Why is it so hard to be still? It's way too natural for me to fill my days with stuff. Random stuff. Sure, meaningful stuff. Mundane stuff. Useless stuff. It's way easy for me to go, go, go, GO! But soooo hard for me to be still... am I alone in this?
God's been laying Psalm 46:10 on me lately, "Be still, and know that I am God..." I'm ready to plaster this verse on my wall as a constant reminder!
BE. STILL. SPRING. It's okay to stop moving, to direct your mind and thoughts solely to Me, to rest in My presence, to listen to My voice, to invest time in My word...
I know I need this. I WANT more of Him. But whhhhhyyyy is it such a discipline to be still in His presence? I'm still searching out the whys... there are many...
Actively doing makes me feel productive; for whatever twisted reason resting and being still doesn't. I don't have a natural joy for reading in general; is this why it's hard for me to sit and commit time to God's word each day? I'm too focused on the physical; I want to spend time and give attention to what I can see, touch and physically feel- my husband, Lylah Mae, family, friends, hobbies. I'm naturally selfish; it's much easier for me to focus on "me" than to focus on Him. There's a spiritual battle; Ephesians 6... the enemy (lowercase "e") doesn't want me to grow in Christ, doesn't want me to hear His voice, to be His hands and feet in this world. I could go on and on...
There are many things in my life waging war with the discipline of being still in His presence... but I'm fighting this battle and I won't give up!
"Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things..." Colossians 3:2
"Do not let this Book of the Law depart from your mouth, meditate on it day and night..." Joshua 1:8
"The Lord is good to those whose hope is in Him, to the one who seeks Him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord." Lamentations 3:25-26
Wednesday, 20 May 2015
Monday, 13 April 2015
The world should journal... and me too.
Sheesh... it's been 5+ months already since Lylah entered our picture. And more than that since my last blog. I was never very consistent at this task and adding a baby to the mix makes me that much less.
Blogging is sorta like journaling to me. And I used to be a fabulous journaler (not a word, I know). It was part of my nightly routine until Jason came along (guess he's my distraction). I do think one day I'll regret dropping the habit. I imagine myself, old and crinkly, drinking prune juice and reflecting on life's journey. Picking up my old journals to read them with the same excitement I would have if reading a novel (maybe more)... reading through all the ups and downs of life, the joys, the pains... the times when I was confused by God, the times when I was in complete awe of Him... laughing at my immaturity but reading of how God brought me through the "drama" of life- the big and little things. Totally wrapped up in the story and memories, but then... blank pages... silence, silence, silence. Nothing was written of my husband (my gift from God)... or of my baby girl (our little miracle), or of our torturous but adventurous house renovation, of our days at Forest Springs... the list goes on and on. Maybe after reflecting on this today I'll pick up the habit again (wishful thinking? time will tell...)
I think journaling can be a testimony... either to myself or to who knows who. I can read through my journals and be reminded of God's faithfulness through my yuck. And yes, that's already happened- I love reading through old journals. And who knows who else will read my writing rants. Maybe no one... maybe a random stranger... maybe a family member. But my life is a story. A short one to be sure, but one that hopefully points towards the goodness of God at every turn.
Yes... I should pick it up again. And you should pick it up too (yes, this suggestion is coming from a journaling hypocrite). Blogging is nice but isn't the same. Something about paper and ink is way better.
Blogging is sorta like journaling to me. And I used to be a fabulous journaler (not a word, I know). It was part of my nightly routine until Jason came along (guess he's my distraction). I do think one day I'll regret dropping the habit. I imagine myself, old and crinkly, drinking prune juice and reflecting on life's journey. Picking up my old journals to read them with the same excitement I would have if reading a novel (maybe more)... reading through all the ups and downs of life, the joys, the pains... the times when I was confused by God, the times when I was in complete awe of Him... laughing at my immaturity but reading of how God brought me through the "drama" of life- the big and little things. Totally wrapped up in the story and memories, but then... blank pages... silence, silence, silence. Nothing was written of my husband (my gift from God)... or of my baby girl (our little miracle), or of our torturous but adventurous house renovation, of our days at Forest Springs... the list goes on and on. Maybe after reflecting on this today I'll pick up the habit again (wishful thinking? time will tell...)
I think journaling can be a testimony... either to myself or to who knows who. I can read through my journals and be reminded of God's faithfulness through my yuck. And yes, that's already happened- I love reading through old journals. And who knows who else will read my writing rants. Maybe no one... maybe a random stranger... maybe a family member. But my life is a story. A short one to be sure, but one that hopefully points towards the goodness of God at every turn.
Yes... I should pick it up again. And you should pick it up too (yes, this suggestion is coming from a journaling hypocrite). Blogging is nice but isn't the same. Something about paper and ink is way better.
Saturday, 18 October 2014
Less than 2 weeks!
Ok sure, I've been opposed to being one of "those moms" who constantly blogs or posts about pregnancy and kids. Why? I guess I can't exactly quantify it... could it be because we were "trying" for 3 years and it just wasn't happening and all the mommy blogs and posts irked me? Quite possibly, yes. Could it be because until I started feeling her kick my innards like crazy, it wasn't fully a reality? Quite possibly, yes again. Could it be because I don't really understand what it means to have a mother and have had a natural distaste of any mother-related topics? *sigh* Again, sure.
Then I contemplate and realize... I need to get over myself. It's okay for mom's to blog and post things about their experiences as a mother. After all, for quite a while it becomes their whole life! This is a new stage of life I'm entering and I know God will shape me and teach me a whole host of wonderful things through it. Is that exciting? Heck yes. Is it scary? Oh yeah. But how cool to invest so fully in another life entrusted to you by God? What a responsibility of crazy magnitude that parents have!
So we have less than 2 weeks left until my due date... Labor sounds a tad painful. For the life of me I can't wrap my brain around how it all works out, but I know God created it to happen so it'll happen- and if it doesn't happen naturally I'll get cut open by doctors and that'll be okay too. My only strange and perhaps unrealistic fear (although we are in Wisconsin...) is that I'll go into labor at night, we'll hit a foolish dear on the road to Wausau, and Jason will have to deliver our baby on the side of the road (can he do it?). If he pulled it off, I suppose it would make for a cool story...
In the end, painful or a breeze, it's another life-experience God will teach us things through. And for that I'm excited. He's got this whole thing in His hands. What amazing peace that brings!
Then I contemplate and realize... I need to get over myself. It's okay for mom's to blog and post things about their experiences as a mother. After all, for quite a while it becomes their whole life! This is a new stage of life I'm entering and I know God will shape me and teach me a whole host of wonderful things through it. Is that exciting? Heck yes. Is it scary? Oh yeah. But how cool to invest so fully in another life entrusted to you by God? What a responsibility of crazy magnitude that parents have!
So we have less than 2 weeks left until my due date... Labor sounds a tad painful. For the life of me I can't wrap my brain around how it all works out, but I know God created it to happen so it'll happen- and if it doesn't happen naturally I'll get cut open by doctors and that'll be okay too. My only strange and perhaps unrealistic fear (although we are in Wisconsin...) is that I'll go into labor at night, we'll hit a foolish dear on the road to Wausau, and Jason will have to deliver our baby on the side of the road (can he do it?). If he pulled it off, I suppose it would make for a cool story...
In the end, painful or a breeze, it's another life-experience God will teach us things through. And for that I'm excited. He's got this whole thing in His hands. What amazing peace that brings!
Friday, 13 June 2014
Friday and my lack of control of life.
Wow, I have a moment to blog. I better type fast because this may be short-lived (hopefully). At the moment I'm sitting at my desk at camp, twiddling my thumbs, overtaken by anxiety because I have SO much to do, but alas my hands are tied. Why? Because our lovely software provider (normally lovely), based in Kanukuk, MI, have servers that CRASHED this morning! Aaaaand this affects everything I do. I can't answer parents questions, all my voicemails, I can't respond to emails, I can't do cabin assignments, I can't print reports needed for Sunday, shall I go on? But, if we're looking on the bright side, I have a moment to blog.
I don't even know what to write about... I could blog on and on about parenting because we'll be parents soon. But, no thanks. I could blog on and on about pregnancy since I'm pregnant, but, again, no thanks. All I will say is it's NO fun having a cold without being able to take Nyquil. I'm a fan of Nyquil. It's perfect for colds when you just can't sleep because you're clogged. It puts me out, which gives me zzz's- a much needed thing when ill. But, for a time, I understand I can't partake.
All I can think of right now is "Please Kanukuk, fix your servers SOON!"
Kid's Quest campers arrived 2 days ago. Kids in 2-6th grade. Of the 144 campers that are here, 107 are brand new campers! This makes me happy. They seem to be having a great time. I thoroughly enjoy listening to them holler their camp cheers before meals. Summer is here! Since I've been so busy, I haven't had an opportunity to sit in on a session. They have 2 each day, complete with puppets, singing and a teaching time. Tomorrow they leave and on Sunday 240 other campers arrive! Super exciting, super intense!
It's way cool to know that so many different kids are here. Those who believe in Christ and those who have never heard about Him, those who are mad at Him, and those who are curious, hurting, indifferent and passionate. And they're all hearing the same message of the Gospel of Jesus and they each will respond to Him in some way. Sometimes we see fruit; most often, seeds are planted that will one day take fruit. And sadly, we know that seeds are planted that will, in some, never produce fruit. We can plant and water, but God causes the growth. Prayer is important!
Good news, the servers are up and running again. I have work to do. It's been fun!
I don't even know what to write about... I could blog on and on about parenting because we'll be parents soon. But, no thanks. I could blog on and on about pregnancy since I'm pregnant, but, again, no thanks. All I will say is it's NO fun having a cold without being able to take Nyquil. I'm a fan of Nyquil. It's perfect for colds when you just can't sleep because you're clogged. It puts me out, which gives me zzz's- a much needed thing when ill. But, for a time, I understand I can't partake.
All I can think of right now is "Please Kanukuk, fix your servers SOON!"
Kid's Quest campers arrived 2 days ago. Kids in 2-6th grade. Of the 144 campers that are here, 107 are brand new campers! This makes me happy. They seem to be having a great time. I thoroughly enjoy listening to them holler their camp cheers before meals. Summer is here! Since I've been so busy, I haven't had an opportunity to sit in on a session. They have 2 each day, complete with puppets, singing and a teaching time. Tomorrow they leave and on Sunday 240 other campers arrive! Super exciting, super intense!
It's way cool to know that so many different kids are here. Those who believe in Christ and those who have never heard about Him, those who are mad at Him, and those who are curious, hurting, indifferent and passionate. And they're all hearing the same message of the Gospel of Jesus and they each will respond to Him in some way. Sometimes we see fruit; most often, seeds are planted that will one day take fruit. And sadly, we know that seeds are planted that will, in some, never produce fruit. We can plant and water, but God causes the growth. Prayer is important!
Good news, the servers are up and running again. I have work to do. It's been fun!
Thursday, 27 March 2014
Thursday, 3/27/2014
Man alive, snowing AGAIN! Can I just get a palm tree please, 80 degree weather, and the ocean? I can't describe how blissful that sounds right now. We keep thinking winter's going to pass...but it just lingers ooooooonnnnnnnn... But, okay, I'll try to be content in the continuing temps and absence of all things green and colorful.
We continue to walk through busy weeks here in Wisconsin. Jason's at camp right now working in the office and I'm here at home listening to Pandora. I was working on youth camp stuff earlier, but recently was overcome with an urge to blog. In a moment, I'll have devotions, which I'm seriously thirsty for right now. If I get ambitious enough maybe I'll work out later. Then... onto contemplating supper options.
Sometimes life gets overwhelming, for us so busy with ministry. You're doing things FOR Christ constantly, but when you fail to nourish yourself in His presence you drain out and though what you're doing still has meaning, you're not as effective or passionate. That about describes me in this moment, though I hate to admit it. Devotions with Jason and with other believers is so important, but I desperately NEED solitude in God's Word and prayer.
I'm so thankful Jesus set that example for me in His Word by going into the wilderness to pray. Oh what I would give to be able to walk outside and sit by a lake in prayer. But... for now, my living room will do the trick :)
We continue to walk through busy weeks here in Wisconsin. Jason's at camp right now working in the office and I'm here at home listening to Pandora. I was working on youth camp stuff earlier, but recently was overcome with an urge to blog. In a moment, I'll have devotions, which I'm seriously thirsty for right now. If I get ambitious enough maybe I'll work out later. Then... onto contemplating supper options.
Sometimes life gets overwhelming, for us so busy with ministry. You're doing things FOR Christ constantly, but when you fail to nourish yourself in His presence you drain out and though what you're doing still has meaning, you're not as effective or passionate. That about describes me in this moment, though I hate to admit it. Devotions with Jason and with other believers is so important, but I desperately NEED solitude in God's Word and prayer.
I'm so thankful Jesus set that example for me in His Word by going into the wilderness to pray. Oh what I would give to be able to walk outside and sit by a lake in prayer. But... for now, my living room will do the trick :)
Saturday, 4 January 2014
Heavy heart...
I feel like the older I get, the more sensitive I am to the battle around me... and at times it's too much to take. The darkness in this world is overwhelming. Lies and sin generate that darkness, and though it's disguised as pleasure and tells people what they want to hear, it's path leads to pain and suffering.
And I sit back, seeing those I love, who are caught up in this merry-go-round that's anything but merry. I hate satan's lies. The deceitfulness of sin blinds so many. And the consequences? Anger, depression, suicide, hatred, confusion, unforgiveness. Satan exists to destroy... I long for the day when he'll be bound by chains and cast into the lake of fire.
My heart breaks for those I love...who are now in chains. But I remember I was once in chains too... if only they could see that freedom comes through surrender... complete surrender. Pride and our culture scream the opposite message and our hearts condemn us as guilty. Yes, we are broken... but there is a Healer. We are hopeless, but there is Hope. We don't deserve love, but there is Love... Jesus Christ. Through Him alone I've been cleansed of sin and guilt and can stand before my Father in Heaven as His daughter. Because of Him and His sacrifice on the cross for me, I have nothing to fear. By His grace, Living Water flows through me and shows me how to live this life. And the peace... the peace He gives is everlasting and carries me through the darkest moments.
Surrender... repentance... humility... words that our culture mocks, but words that lead to Life. I want the world to see Jesus Christ. My heart breaks... but my hope remains because God never stops working.
"The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance."
2 Peter 3:9
And I sit back, seeing those I love, who are caught up in this merry-go-round that's anything but merry. I hate satan's lies. The deceitfulness of sin blinds so many. And the consequences? Anger, depression, suicide, hatred, confusion, unforgiveness. Satan exists to destroy... I long for the day when he'll be bound by chains and cast into the lake of fire.
My heart breaks for those I love...who are now in chains. But I remember I was once in chains too... if only they could see that freedom comes through surrender... complete surrender. Pride and our culture scream the opposite message and our hearts condemn us as guilty. Yes, we are broken... but there is a Healer. We are hopeless, but there is Hope. We don't deserve love, but there is Love... Jesus Christ. Through Him alone I've been cleansed of sin and guilt and can stand before my Father in Heaven as His daughter. Because of Him and His sacrifice on the cross for me, I have nothing to fear. By His grace, Living Water flows through me and shows me how to live this life. And the peace... the peace He gives is everlasting and carries me through the darkest moments.
Surrender... repentance... humility... words that our culture mocks, but words that lead to Life. I want the world to see Jesus Christ. My heart breaks... but my hope remains because God never stops working.
"The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance."
2 Peter 3:9
Saturday, 24 August 2013
What God taught me at Menards...
A couple days ago we decided to return several items to Menards that we bought for rebuilding our home, but never actually used. It took several treks up and down our stairs to haul birch underlayment, insulation rolls, electrical gadgets, carpet and tile samples, and random other odds and ends. We loaded up the open trailer that we borrowed from a friend and drove to Menards. It was a super sunny day!
When we got there we parked the truck and trailer in the parking lot. Everything was secured in place so we didn't think anything of leaving it in the lot for 10 minutes while we printed receipts at the kiosk. We were inside for 2 minutes before I ran out to the truck to grab something we needed. On my way back to the front doors, I noticed a man outside pushing a load of insulation in a flat cart. I didn't think much of it other than feeling sorry for him that he had to endure such a nasty, itchy job! We were inside for 5-10 minutes more, then went to the truck to start hauling stuff into Menards. When we got to the trailer, a huge roll of insulation was gone! Obviously gone! It had been there when we arrived, so we knew someone had stolen it. But in broad daylight? Not far from the entry to Menards? With 2 Menards employees standing in the cart shed? Really?
We both started fuming inside. WHO would do this? Who's morals are so jacked that they would do this- they clearly had to have been watching us and jumped out at the most opportune time to take a roll. Were they hoping we wouldn't notice? Why one? Why not all 5 rolls? I guess that would have been TOO obvious. Was it the man we had noticed hauling a load of insulation?
Our eyes scanned the parking lot in suspicion and anger. Everyone was suspect. The dominating thought in my head was "Trust no one!" Jason was angry and could have attacked any man he saw carrying a roll of insulation! Thank God no one was...
He went inside to ask if Menards had any cameras in their parking lot while I guarded the rest of our stuff. Yeah... me and all my ninja moves. As I was sitting there, I was still fuming inside and I begin to question why I was so mad. After all, it was just 1 roll of insulation, worth about $15. I know people steal... all the time. This doesn't make it right, but why was I reacting as if someone had taken my right arm? I know people steal, but I suppose it's more painful and unavoidable when it's personal... I began thinking a lot about the grace of God. HOW can He be so full of grace when people offend Him constantly. Stealing is SO contrast to His nature. I always knew it was, but somehow, on that day, it was more clear to me. Sin is SO in contrast with His nature, and how can He look past it? He CAN'T look past it outside of Jesus Christ covering people through His death on the cross! It was very clear to me that day that there ARE enemies of God everywhere. We all are enemies of God if we haven't put our faith in Christ. We have NO right to stand before God alone. No right and no hope. I was amazed as I was sitting there at God's grace in light of His justice... and so thankful that I've been forgiven through His Son! Yet... I was still angry at the thief...
I've been thinking a lot lately about Colossians 3, which says to "set your mind on things above." Since I was fuming, I figured maybe it was wise to apply that, so I started thinking about what God's Word says to our situation on how we should respond, and this verse came to mind...
"If someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also. If someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from them." Luke 6:29
WHAT?! Had I seen the dude, I should have handed him another roll of insulation?? Really God? And He gently answered "yes" as I kept thinking about other passages like Matthew 5:44, "I say unto you, love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you."
Wow, how God's will is so different from our nature!! Though I love God, have committed my heart and soul to Him, and strive to serve Him, I still in that moment wanted to take out the thief who stole our roll! But as I repeated these verses to myself, I began to calm down. Yes, he does want me to love whoever stole from us... why? Why should I love him? Because God loves him and wishes that none perish. "He is patient, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance" 2 Peter 3:9.
God's grace is amazing. ESPECIALLY in light of his holiness. Because of that incident at Menards, I worship Him even more. I'm even more awed at this God I serve... So in some odd way I thank the man who stole $15 from us. "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives" Genesis 50:20. I don't think many lives are being saved by this experience, but in my own heart God has worked it for good and I adore HIM!
When we got there we parked the truck and trailer in the parking lot. Everything was secured in place so we didn't think anything of leaving it in the lot for 10 minutes while we printed receipts at the kiosk. We were inside for 2 minutes before I ran out to the truck to grab something we needed. On my way back to the front doors, I noticed a man outside pushing a load of insulation in a flat cart. I didn't think much of it other than feeling sorry for him that he had to endure such a nasty, itchy job! We were inside for 5-10 minutes more, then went to the truck to start hauling stuff into Menards. When we got to the trailer, a huge roll of insulation was gone! Obviously gone! It had been there when we arrived, so we knew someone had stolen it. But in broad daylight? Not far from the entry to Menards? With 2 Menards employees standing in the cart shed? Really?
We both started fuming inside. WHO would do this? Who's morals are so jacked that they would do this- they clearly had to have been watching us and jumped out at the most opportune time to take a roll. Were they hoping we wouldn't notice? Why one? Why not all 5 rolls? I guess that would have been TOO obvious. Was it the man we had noticed hauling a load of insulation?
Our eyes scanned the parking lot in suspicion and anger. Everyone was suspect. The dominating thought in my head was "Trust no one!" Jason was angry and could have attacked any man he saw carrying a roll of insulation! Thank God no one was...
He went inside to ask if Menards had any cameras in their parking lot while I guarded the rest of our stuff. Yeah... me and all my ninja moves. As I was sitting there, I was still fuming inside and I begin to question why I was so mad. After all, it was just 1 roll of insulation, worth about $15. I know people steal... all the time. This doesn't make it right, but why was I reacting as if someone had taken my right arm? I know people steal, but I suppose it's more painful and unavoidable when it's personal... I began thinking a lot about the grace of God. HOW can He be so full of grace when people offend Him constantly. Stealing is SO contrast to His nature. I always knew it was, but somehow, on that day, it was more clear to me. Sin is SO in contrast with His nature, and how can He look past it? He CAN'T look past it outside of Jesus Christ covering people through His death on the cross! It was very clear to me that day that there ARE enemies of God everywhere. We all are enemies of God if we haven't put our faith in Christ. We have NO right to stand before God alone. No right and no hope. I was amazed as I was sitting there at God's grace in light of His justice... and so thankful that I've been forgiven through His Son! Yet... I was still angry at the thief...
I've been thinking a lot lately about Colossians 3, which says to "set your mind on things above." Since I was fuming, I figured maybe it was wise to apply that, so I started thinking about what God's Word says to our situation on how we should respond, and this verse came to mind...
"If someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also. If someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from them." Luke 6:29
WHAT?! Had I seen the dude, I should have handed him another roll of insulation?? Really God? And He gently answered "yes" as I kept thinking about other passages like Matthew 5:44, "I say unto you, love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you."
Wow, how God's will is so different from our nature!! Though I love God, have committed my heart and soul to Him, and strive to serve Him, I still in that moment wanted to take out the thief who stole our roll! But as I repeated these verses to myself, I began to calm down. Yes, he does want me to love whoever stole from us... why? Why should I love him? Because God loves him and wishes that none perish. "He is patient, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance" 2 Peter 3:9.
God's grace is amazing. ESPECIALLY in light of his holiness. Because of that incident at Menards, I worship Him even more. I'm even more awed at this God I serve... So in some odd way I thank the man who stole $15 from us. "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives" Genesis 50:20. I don't think many lives are being saved by this experience, but in my own heart God has worked it for good and I adore HIM!
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